Questions and Answers about Using Reward Plans

Please feel free to email Dr. Shiller with questions:  drshiller@rewardsforkids.com.
She will respond privately, and then post selected questions here for other readers’ benefit.  (Any identifying information will be removed to insure privacy; writers may also request their question not be posted.)  Afterwards, if you wish to provide follow-up, we’ll post that too!

Question:  What should I do to keep my toddler from interfering with a sticker plan for my preschooler?

I have a 3-1/2 year old son and a 22-month-old daughter. My daughter's very much into the "me-too" scenario, but perhaps a little too young even for the picture contract.  I'm wondering if there's an issue with starting a reward plan for my son, that my daughter will clearly be aware of.  Any suggestions on dealing with her? Should I link her behavior too?  I plan to start with my son having to drink his cup at the table at breakfast, lunch and dinner without a top - we're ditching sippy cups for him.  He can do it, and does it happily when he feels like it. If he doesn't, there is much whining, crying and wasted time at the table. 

Answer:

My suggestions for your 22-month-old daughter:  It would probably be helpful to give her some stickers, but to present them in a way that your son will feel his are much more special.  I'd suggest introducing the plan to your son when your daughter isn't around; emphasizing how grown-up he can be, etc.  After you explain what he'll do to get stickers (perhaps you'll be using one of the My-Own-Picture charts?), I'd talk about the need to keep his sister from interfering with the plan by wanting his stickers.  You can say you have some stickers for her that are less special in some way (e.g. less glittery, not for a picture chart, etc.) that you will give her to prevent her from creating problems for your son.  (e.g. "You know, Jimmy, Sally will want stickers, too, and if we don't give her a few she may try to take yours, and then you'll be pretty upset.”)  Presenting him with stickers, and proudly noting his accomplishments, in a more dramatic way should reduce his sense of "Why is she getting stickers if she isn't doing anything?"  If he is able to wait until after his sister isn't in the room to receive any stickers he earned, it may be easier, too.

Follow-up:

As far as my daughter wanting the stickers, it turned out to be a non-issue. The first time or two she wanted to have a sticker, which I just gave her a different kind that she could put on a paper. But she lost interest and actually just shared in the excitement of her brother getting to put a sticker on his chart. It was great!

I did use a basic rewards chart for helping my son drink out of his cup without the top on it without whining, pretending to choke, etc. etc.   We knew he could drink from a regular cup because he had many times, but often he would meltdown about it, and we had had it! So we used the reward plan and he loved it. By the end of the first goal, which was drinking from his cup at lunch and dinner without whining, etc. for 4 days, he got to go to the library with me (without his sister.) We continued the chart for reinforcement the next week, breakfast, lunch and dinner for 5 days, and the reward was to bake cookies with me. He loved putting stickers up for his "achievements".

Now, my son continues to drink from a big boy cup without issue! I had thought not having the sipp cup while he watches his 2 shows in the afternoon would be a big issue, but that even was fine--he knows his cup is at the kitchen table and he can come drink from it when he's thirsty.

Question:  How large a reward should I offer my son?

My 10-year-old is supposed to wear a leg brace for a month.  If he doesn’t, he may continue to have problems with his leg.  I’ve tried explaining this to him, but he won’t keep the brace on in school, because other kids tease him about it.

You recommend keeping reward sizes small, but the only thing that I think would motivate him is the item he really wants – a Play Station 2.  Would that be too large a reward if he wore the brace for 4 weeks?

Answer:

When children have to work really hard at a goal (and wearing a leg brace when other kids are being cruel is certainly difficult), I feel it’s okay to offer sizable rewards.  I believe children understand that you are recognizing the great effort they will have to put into the reward plan.  Thus, I think it’s unlikely that your son will ask for large rewards in the future, when you want him to accomplish smaller goals.

I would suggest you also coach your son on ways to deal with cruel remarks.  If you’d like some guidance, you might look at the book What to do…When Kids are Mean to Your Child:  Real Solutions from Experts, Parents, and Kids, by Elin McCoy.

Question:  How long should I wait before starting a new reward plan?

There are a number of ways I think we can improve my 3-year-old son's behavior with your reward plan ideas. And I fully recognize the value in tackling one issue at a time. Assuming we successfully deal with our first problem, how long before you think it's feasible to move on to our next problem with a different rewards plan?

Answer:

The risk of introducing too many reward plans too quickly is that a child will come to expect that he should get a sticker any time you ask him to do something.  This actually isn't a problem with many children; many just accept that they get stickers for the challenges that their parents identify.  I would suggest that when your son has successfully overcome the first problem, you can proudly present him with an "I Did It!" certificate, and then pretty soon you could introduce a new chart for a new problem.  In fact, with some children it can be helpful that they will continue to get stickers, and not lose the opportunity after a problem has been overcome.